I’m a first time mom to 5 month old twin girls. 28 y/o at the time, active, healthy diet, perfect blood pressure, relatively healthy pregnancy besides the IUGR diagnosis for baby A and close monitoring towards the end. All in all, mom and babies were healthy and we were heading for a full term pregnancy and uncomplicated delivery.

My girls were born on a Sunday, and that Saturday I felt VERY off. Lethargic, back pain, zero energy, moody, you name it. I just felt very odd. The night before, I had a horrible back ache that I shrugged off with Tylenol and sleep. Come Sunday I had pretty bad right sided pain that was radiating to my shoulder blade and middle back. It got worse and worse and ended up being excruciating. When I left work early, something told me to check my BP at home. It was 151/100. Kind of anxious at this point, we went to triage hoping no biggie, just pain meds. When we were settled and all labs were taken, the triage nurse looked at me and asked me “have you ever heard of HELLP syndrome?” my whole face fell and I was in denial of what was about to happen. Me??? Im super healthy, I thought hellp was so rare? what do you mean I have it? I only heard about it once in nursing school. How did this happen? I think I realized right then and there I was about to have my babies whether I liked it or not.

After a series of never ending events and multiple people in the triage room, my girls were here in the next 45 minutes. Both were taken right to NICU, and I didn’t get to see them at all. Because of the magnesium drip and the pain, it took me literally the entire next day to get into a wheelchair to see my girls for the first time in the NICU. The medication made me feel like I was having a stroke. The pain was so extreme I was only able to see and hold 1 one of my girls, and sister had to wait until the next day. It was heartbreaking. I knew they were in good hands, but this was hard. I was so anxious every time they checked my blood pressure at the hospital, and that I wouldn’t be able to go home. The lack of sleep from being in the hospital and anxiety was really starting to get to me. When I was finally cleared for discharge, the constant fear of no longer being monitored, and something happening to me and leaving my husband completely alone with 2 newborns would consume me. I had a horrible first night home. I was so anxious over my blood pressure readings. My husband would do everything to comfort me. I would imagine horrible scenarios in my head on how I was going to die and my babies would be left without a mother.

My girls came home after 11 & 12 days in the NICU. 5 months later they are thriving.

My delivery experience is still something I have extremely vivid flashbacks of quite often. I know if I waited one more day, or didn’t check my BP at home, or didn’t leave work when I did, I would probably have a very different outcome. Sometimes ill have “what if” scenarios in my head that consume me and I have to distract myself with something else. Nothing really prepares you for the thoughts that just pop up. I’m certain the trauma I experienced took a huge toll on how I experienced postpartum as a new mom. I even have a hard time looking and feeling happy for pregnant women online or in person. I feel like I was robbed.

Now that we are 5 months in and doing so much better, I wanted to share my story with others in hopes it will help make others more aware of this disease and how quickly it can go from bad to knocking on deaths door. Know the signs and symptoms.